Posted by: librivore | January 12, 2009

The Hurricanes of Change

Technivore wants a divorce.

There. I said it. Screw privacy and announcements and what not. This is my life we’re talking about here.

I went away for about a week or so, maybe a little longer, to figure myself out. At this moment, all I can say for sure is that I’m having my ups and downs. One day, I feel fine and strong and able to handle this huge change; the next day I feel about as strong as a boiled noodle. Intellectually, I know I’ll get through this. It’s the rest of me that wants to scream, and refuses to listen to anything.

This emotional rollercoaster has been one hell of a ride, and it’s not done yet.  The details of all of this have yet to be fully dealt with, and somehow I’m still stuck living here, even when it feels like I have been purged from my own home.This seems to be a repeating pattern, disturbingly so.

School is the top priority now. My emotions will have to wait until I graduate–even though we all know that won’t happen. I will not allow this bullshit to affect me to the point where I compromise my degree.

The divorce won’t be final until several months from now. I’ve asked him to allow a separation for now, to let me get through the next few months, and he’s agreed. We hope to keep our friendship, though that’s up for juggling too. I am stuck here until I can find a decent apartment of my own and move out. My pride demands that I spit in his face about money and practical things, but I don’t have that option since I have no job. My pride will just have to suffer the extra blow.

There’s more that I could and should add about this, but I seem to have lost my desire to really chew my way through this in a post.

That being said, I want to tell you the more important news: I am about a quarter of the way done with the novel I’ve been writing. The week away gave me time to focus on the first few sections of it, and I’m very pleased with it so far. I think if I stick to this schedule, I can have it finished by the end of the month. If I can get it edited and more perfect, I will ship it off to a publisher’s house.

That idea alone is what scares me the most. What if I fail? What if I turn out to be the vessel of false hope across the board that is my life? Somehow, success with my writing seems tied with success in everything else, like money and living. The scariest part: what if I have to stop dreaming about being a published author because I’m just no good? Obviously I’m not good at a lot of things–like keeping my marriage together or eating on time. What if I have to put the one thing that is mine above all things, the one thing that still gives me some pleasure, the one thing that saved my sanity in the week I took to figure shit out, aside for the rest of my life? Talk about pressure.

I thank my family, especially Bubbles and Captain Woot and PinkPanther, for giving me unconditional support in my shambles of a life. I also thank those friends who were there and made me do things–in my pajamas–that I didn’t want to, and still ended up having fun. I doubt I would have been able to get through this as whole as I am without you. Kisses and hugs all around.

At some point, I’ll be giving this blog a whole new look, to coincide with my whole new life. Watch for the change, and let me know what you think.

Peace out. Or in. I never fully understood that phrase.

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